February 12, 2011 by Heather
This afternoon I had a mild little breakdown that turned me, well, my thought process at least, into a hot mess. I’m sure to those around me I seemed perfectly sane and content with how I felt/looked. My crazy brain could not focus on the wonderful people around me and what was going on where I was. Instead, it chose to dwell on stupid and ridiculous things such as:
- the roll of skin that sticks out underneath my bra (sometimes I try to poke it in there but it just plops back out)
- the pimple on my left cheek (good thing my hair’s down and can semi cover it up)
- the pimple on my right cheek
- the fact that I had not had time to tease the crown of my hair into the little poof that (in my mind) balances out the fact that I have a weak jawline (glancing around… ugh, why can’t my profile look like that French exchange girl)
- the way my shirt kept riding up in the back (dang it, everyone’s gonna see how friggin HIGH I wear my jeans, how embarrassing)
- how when I buttoned my jeans after peeing my tummy squished together and for a second looked like a butt crack (ugh I knew I should have done that ab workout today)
- how I wish my face was clear and glowy without makeup (it takes so much concealer to look like I don’t have on any makeup, wtf?)
- my stupid bangs and how they looked more like a pile of greasy forks rather than a neat row of thick bank-yard grass (should I use mousse, or maybe grow them out?)
- and how I wish I had the kind of self esteem that makes girls so innately confident that they do not think about this kind of crap.
Yes, my insecurities run deep. I even get insecure about being insecure. Twisted, I know.
I AM SICK OF THIS PATTERN OF SELF HATE.
It has been going on for….forever. For as long as I can remember being aware of my body and everything attached to it.
And I try to blame it on things. Things like my own mother’s insecurities and how I would hear her saying that she was/felt fat or needed to lose weight or whatever. The boyfriend I had right out of high school who loved Victoria’s Secret models and was constantly telling me to be less insecure (thereby making me more insecure). The beauty magazines that I love so dearly that bombard me with false images of what “perfect” looks like and the three easy steps for you to achieve it. Today I tried to blame my sudden burst of self loathing on my period.
It’s always something.
I want to exercise because it keeps me healthy and feeling good, not because it makes me look better or makes that damn number on the damn scale go down. I hate scales, by the way. I want to eat good and wholesome foods for only the right reasons, not only because they have less calories.
I do enjoy exercising, and I genuinely love eating healthy food. My point is this: I wish my motives for doing both were not at all based on the way I look. I realize they affect it, and that is certainly an added bonus. I’m not sure where this is going or if it even makes sense in the way I want it to. My point is this. I WISH I DID NOT DEVOTE SO MUCH MENTAL SPACE TO THE WAY I LOOK. It is exhausting and, to use a not so pretty word, vain.
How do you stop something that is so ingrained that you’ve come to expect it? How do you change a thought pattern, or rather, how do you reverse a thought pattern?
I’ve thought about trying semi extreme things, like going without any makeup for a week just to prove to myself that the world does go on and people will still talk to me if I have a bright red crusty chin zit out for all to see. I’ve thought about boycotting exercise for a while because I’m getting burnt out, but then I realized I would just feel awful and tired if I did that. I’ve given up sweets for a week, which felt like a year. Oh goodness, let’s save food for an entirely different post. I will say one thing: I believe that, with the exception of the occasional cookie/brownie binge, I do have a healthy relationship with food. Even with all of my “fat” days, I never quit eating. That just sounds worse than giving up exercise.
Again, I’m not quite sure where this is going. I just needed to get out my ridiculousness. I’m sure I will wake up in the morning with a totally different mindset from the sucky one I had tonight.
All that said – I want to change the way I think. I want to so bad that I think I might actually do it. I know that I am the commander in chief of my thoughts, so I need to harness them and make them go in the direction they should be going, rather than down a nasty road that just leads to me turning into a basket case in front of my poor, helpless husband. Bless his heart. He saw my ugly, emotional side big time tonight. Yay, marriage. There is NO escaping the ugly sides of a person. And mine are a-plenty. 🙂
It’s late, I’m tired, I’m rambling, goodnight.
Happy post tomorrow, I promise.