i hate underwire (among other things)

4

February 12, 2011 by Heather

This afternoon I had a mild little breakdown that turned me, well, my thought process at least, into a hot mess.  I’m sure to those around me I seemed perfectly sane and content with how I felt/looked.  My crazy brain could not focus on the wonderful people around me and what was going on where I was.  Instead, it chose to dwell on stupid and ridiculous things such as:

  • the roll of skin that sticks out underneath my bra (sometimes I try to poke it in there but it just plops back out)
  • the pimple on my left cheek (good thing my hair’s down and can semi cover it up)
  • the pimple on my right cheek
  • the fact that I had not had time to tease the crown of my hair into the little poof that (in my mind) balances out the fact that I have a weak jawline (glancing around… ugh, why can’t my profile look like that French exchange girl)
  • the way my shirt kept riding up in the back (dang it, everyone’s gonna see how friggin HIGH I wear my jeans, how embarrassing)
  • how when I buttoned my jeans after peeing my tummy squished together and for a second looked like a butt crack (ugh I knew I should have done that ab workout today)
  • how I wish my face was clear and glowy without makeup (it takes so much concealer to look like I don’t have on any makeup, wtf?)
  • my stupid bangs and how they looked more like a pile of greasy forks rather than a neat row of thick bank-yard grass (should I use mousse, or maybe grow them out?)
  • and how I wish I had the kind of self esteem that makes girls so innately confident that they do not think about this kind of crap.

Yes, my insecurities run deep.  I even get insecure about being insecure.  Twisted, I know.

I AM SICK OF THIS PATTERN OF SELF HATE.

It has been going on for….forever.  For as long as I can remember being aware of my body and everything attached to it.

And I try to blame it on things.  Things like my own mother’s insecurities and how I would hear her saying that she was/felt fat or needed to lose weight or whatever.  The boyfriend I had right out of high school who loved Victoria’s Secret models and was constantly telling me to be less insecure (thereby making me more insecure).  The beauty magazines that I love so dearly that bombard me with false images of what “perfect” looks like and the three easy steps for you to achieve it.  Today I tried to blame my sudden burst of self loathing on my period.

It’s always something.

I want to exercise because it keeps me healthy and feeling good, not because it makes me look better or makes that damn number on the damn scale go down.  I hate scales, by the way.  I want to eat good and wholesome foods for only the right reasons, not only because they have less calories.

I do enjoy exercising, and I genuinely love eating healthy food.  My point is this:  I wish my motives for doing both were not at all based on the way I look.  I realize they affect it, and that is certainly an added bonus.  I’m not sure where this is going or if it even makes sense in the way I want it to.  My point is this.  I WISH I DID NOT DEVOTE SO MUCH MENTAL SPACE TO THE WAY I LOOK.  It is exhausting and, to use a not so pretty word, vain.

How do you stop something that is so ingrained that you’ve come to expect it?  How do you change a thought pattern, or rather, how do you reverse a thought pattern?

I’ve thought about trying semi extreme things, like going without any makeup for a week just to prove to myself that the world does go on and people will still talk to me if I have a bright red crusty chin zit out for all to see.  I’ve thought about boycotting exercise for a while because I’m getting burnt out, but then I realized I would just feel awful and tired if I did that.  I’ve given up sweets for a week, which felt like a year.  Oh goodness, let’s save food for an entirely different post.  I will say one thing:  I believe that, with the exception of the occasional cookie/brownie binge, I do have a healthy relationship with food.  Even with all of my “fat” days, I never quit eating.  That just sounds worse than giving up exercise.

Again, I’m not quite sure where this is going.  I just needed to get out my ridiculousness.  I’m sure I will wake up in the morning with a totally different mindset from the sucky one I had tonight.

All that said – I want to change the way I think.  I want to so bad that I think I might actually do it.  I know that I am the commander in chief of my thoughts, so I need to harness them and make them go in the direction they should be going, rather than down a nasty road that just leads to me turning into a basket case in front of my poor, helpless husband.  Bless his heart.  He saw my ugly, emotional side big time tonight.  Yay, marriage.  There is NO escaping the ugly sides of a person.  And mine are a-plenty. 🙂

It’s late, I’m tired, I’m rambling, goodnight.

Happy post tomorrow, I promise.

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4 thoughts on “i hate underwire (among other things)

  1. efrank04 says:

    thank you for such candid honesty. its funny to me how we compare ourselves to other people (i have always so envied your skin and your “glow”) when in reality each of us has our own insecurities. youre absolutely beautiful…not just saying that because i love you but because you really are. not just on the inside but totally superficial beauty:) all my guy friends think you are GORGEOUS. i have to remind them often that you are
    M-A-R-R-I-E-D. just so you know.

    but i understand that i, along with many others, could tell you all this day long but that doesnt change the battle that goes on in your head. im impressed that you are able to be so honest with yourself and are even aware of the process your mind goes through.

    i sorta want to use this post in my small group to open discussion- can i have your permission to use it? i could edit certain things if youd like. just let me know.

    love you bunches uncle stan:)

    ps- i think youre super hot.

  2. Thank you. It really is funny how we compare ourselves to girls who are probably just as insecure as we are. I am feeling much better today and actually thought about deleting this post b/c I was embarrassed that I had been so honest. Haha I told Andrew that I thought it was too “raw” for my blog. Maybe that’s a good thing.
    Yes, please use whatever you like! I really think it is important for us as women/girls to be open about this inner struggle that I am almost certain everyone deals with.

  3. cklredhead says:

    oh man. Heather seriously sometimes I feel like what you write was snatched right out of my own brain. I can’t even begin to describe how similar I feel on all those points.

    That same good ol’ pimple on my left cheek was still here this morning and I had a conference to go to and I thought the same EXACT THING- if I just don’t freaking bother covering it, will anyone notice while I’m talking to them? I decided to go the concealor route, but all morning all I could think was “Can people tell I tried to cover a huge crusty red zit?” It’s like no matter what you do, you still lose. gag

    It’s weird, b/c today at the seminary wife conference I was at, there was a Q and A session for the speaker. B/c it was about marriage, lots of the questions were about sex. I couldn’t believe how many women were asking about “what does GIVING your body to your husband mean?” or “what If I don’t like sex” or “what is acceptable in Christian sex” etc… I felt like I was at JBU all over again. But the speaker consistently answered the same answer. It’s about changing your attitude or your thought life. And the only way to do it is to fill your mind with God’s word, and know it well enough to pull from it when you need it, and to let it transform you. It really bugged me that that was her answer for everything. But I was thinking about it and for the past umpteen years, everything else I’ve tried has drastically failed and obviously not worked. So I’m working on doing a little more of that, b/c I need some serious help in the area of self-image!!!

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