July 1, 2011 by Heather
1. To be a fabulous, loosey goosey singer much like Florence of Florence + the Machine, or maybe like Sarah McLachlan. And by loosey goosey I mean free and expressive, complete with big arm movements and beating of drums and wailing of emotional, poetic lyrics that came to me in a time of despair or heartbreak or oneness with nature.
2. To have a sleeve tattoo. Maybe not on my whole arm, just like from my shoulder to my elbow. In my dream it has a mermaid somewhere in the design with glittery seashells covering her boobies. Also, she has love handles and a facial expression that says, “I love my love handles and I am totally hot and awesome”. And it has swirly stars and maybe something creepy like an anatomically detailed insect or bird. Perhaps I should just settle for something less obvious and strange, like a shooting star across my rear. Juuuust kidding. Maybe.
3. To be one of those girls who doesn’t sweat. You know the kind of girl I’m talking about. She’s the one next to you on the treadmill, leaping along the tread belt like a slender gazelle, perfectly coiffed ponytail blowing in the wind that isn’t actually there. In the mean girl side of you brain you kind of want to do a quick head fling and give her a nice little shower of your own personal perspiration. But no, you are a graceful sweater. You plod on, slowly melting into a stinky puddle and wiping your face, neck, and elbow sweat every 30 seconds. You hope Miss Treadmill America doesn’t notice that you also use that same towel to blow your nose on.
4. A washing machine/dryer combo that actually folds the clothes and can be programmed to put them where they belong. I guess in a rich world this is called a maid.
5. To have no stretch marks. Or cellulite. Or whatever that strange substance is that makes the sides of my rear and the uppermost part of my thighs look like the salt map I made in 1st grade. I am totally fine with the movement of it. I can handle jiggle, it makes me feel like a voluptuous woman (at least on the bottom half). But what is up with all of those ridges and potholes and splotches? I swear. It’s like I’m walking around with a back country Mississippi farm road beneath my jeans.
6. For the following food items to be healthy and calorie free: Rocky Road Ice Cream, Cheesy Scalloped Potatoes, Everything at Cracker Barrel, Glazed Donuts, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Big Fat Cheeseburgers, An Entire Cheese Pizza, Rotel and Tortilla Chips, and last but not least, Biscuits and Gravy. But I guess that could fall under the Everything at Cracker Barrel category. Also, I wish it was a healthy option to eat an entire box of cereal in one sitting.
7. To have the kind of extra moolah that makes spending $40 at Sephora or DSW seem like a negligible amount.
8. To have a more innovative sense of style. For example. Tonight in our apartment parking lot I saw a lovely young lady about my age wearing white skinny jeans with a flowy black top. I would never think to buy white jeans. Well, I mean, I might look at them in a store and think, “Oh, cute,” but I probably wouldn’t buy them because in my mind I have nothing to wear with them. But her outfit looked so chic and fresh and summery. I’m inspired.
What are some of your secret dreams? Let’s keep it PG, people. I recently learned my handsome little brother is reading this. HEY B.J.!!!!!
Now for what I do in my dream numero uno. I give you my favorite, hand motionly and emotionally expressive gals: