An honest post about the fears of motherhood.


January 3, 2012 by Heather

I don’t like kids.  And in general, kids don’t really like me.  Yes, there have been a handful of infants and children who I have tolerated and perhaps even enjoyed, but I can seriously count them on one and a half hands.  It’s not a trait I’m proud of, and I have tried to remedy it rather unsuccessfully.

This trait, along with my impatience, relatively short temper and need for at least 9 hours of sleep to function as a responsible human being have me more than a little concerned about how I will fare as a maternal figure in my child’s life.  It is something that keeps me awake at night and occupies my thoughts during the day.  How am I going to do this, and be good at it?  Because obviously, I want to be the best mother in the whole world.  Duh.

Today I have had the privilege of watching my sweet and perfect niece, Harper.  When Hannah asked if I could watch her today I was so excited and felt honored to even be asked.  Hannah knows my turbulent relationship with little people.  And I don’t mean midgets.

We got back last night from visiting Andrew’s family in Mississippi and he hurried and packed and left for Little Rock (sad face here).  I fiddle farted around… went and got some groceries, took a shower, and came to the unhappy realization that I was indeed on the verge of a cold or some sort of cold-related suckiness.  Still, even after waking up this morning feeling like I’d been run over by a garbage truck covered in crusty snot, I was determined to fulfill my Auntly duties with joy and eagerness.

Apparently a few members of my family may doubt my ability to care for a child, which is more than a little unsettling.  My lovely grandmother even called last night to say that if I was uncomfortable being alone with Harper that she would be more than happy to come help me.  My mother reiterated Grandma’s offer a little while later, saying that it might not be a bad idea.  Hannah said she could call into work if I was too tired from our trip.

People.  This is my big chance to practice being alone all day with an infant.  Let me play mommy, ok?  Today was my mental test of whether or not I could actually maybe do this.  Not like I really have a choice though.

Overall, it’s been a good day.  Three pee pee diapers and one explosive and oddly colored poopy diaper that she did not enjoy me changing, which led to me singing a song that went something like, “Ooooh Hooper, you took a big ol’ pooper.  You dropped a dump of stinky lump out your little baby huuuuump.”  You get the idea.

She really enjoyed bouncing on the couch while looking out the window, with me holding her of course.  I’ve fed her a few bottles, rocked her to sleep twice.  Rocked myself to sleep once, of course it was during the short nap and not the long one.  Gotta get my personal nap-timing down a little better.  We skipped Baby Einstein (someone shoot me when that stuff is on, please) and opted instead for Keeping Up With the Kardashians and various Food Network shows.

Then there’s been freaking Mayfield.  My freaking little dog who I just spent a freaking lot of money to save her freaking cute little life.  Every time Harper cries, Mayfield barks.  Every time I hold Harper, I must also be holding Mayfield on my lap.  Then Mayfield spent a whole hour just now doing this annoying constant bark that ranged from very loud and yippy to low and rumbly while Harper was sleeping.  I thought I was going to flip my lid, whatever that even means.

I have been in yoga pants and a hoodie all day, hair pulled back, no makeup.  I can see how moms can let themselves go.  It might be vain, but I am worried about that.  I love fixing my hair, spending 20 minutes doing my makeup, and putting on a cute outfit.  I like to do that most every day.  I think being in basically my pajamas more than two days in a row takes a toll on my general outlook on life.  So staying home and breastfeeding all day should be a lot of fun.

It’s just terrifying, really.  All I’ve ever wanted to be is a mom, even with my lifelong disdain of children.  And now that I am 4 months away from actually being one, I am so scared of it.  Like, so scared.  Every now and then Andrew will say, “Don’t you just wish he’d come today?”  And I’m all like, “NOOOOO ARE YOU CRAZY?”  Really?  Are. You. Crazy.

Everyone keeps saying, oh… don’t worry.  It’s all worth it.  It will all come naturally.  I hear that last one quite a bit.

It sure as heck better, that’s all I’m saying.





5 thoughts on “An honest post about the fears of motherhood.

  1. Hannah J. says:

    Ha, well let me tell you: I have not worried one bit about you watching her today. Really! Are you kidding me? I knew you’d do fine. And yes, OH YES, it is terrifying having a child. Trust me, it still terrifies me. But hey, what would life be if you never did anything that terrified you? Nice, probably, but not worth it. Harper loves you!

  2. Sarah says:

    You are going to be a great mom and while I believe the “it comes to you naturally” remark, there are a few people in which it doesn’t. So either way, you will GET it. You will learn to function on less than 4 hours of combined sleep, you will learn how a gross dipe doesn’t really gross you out, unless of course it gets on you. Stay positive sweets.

  3. Hannah J. says:

    Sarah’s comment is totally true. Totes. Well said.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

My Gravatar, which I’m not sure exactly what that even is.

%d bloggers like this: