My Hands, based on the song Hands by Jewel*


January 4, 2012 by Heather

I would like to address what might be a touchy (pun intended) subject with a few people, myself not included.

Washing Your Hands After Using the Public Restroom.

Hi, my name is Heather, and I do not, in general, wash my hands after going to the bathroom.  The only time I did this regularly and felt like it was important was when I worked at the hospital, and that wasn’t because my toilet actions had left urine all over my hands, it was because of the millions of germs floating around.  (And I knoooow there are millions of germs everywhere, but come on.  It was a hospital.)

It’s just something I don’t really get, unless you fall under one of the following categories:

  • You work at a restaurant where you are handling/serving food.
  • You have the always-dreaded pinky slip when wiping after a #2.
  • You changed a feminine hygiene product, such as a tampon.
  • You are about to wash/do something to your face, because you should always wash your hands before doing anything that requires putting your fingers on your face, except for picking your nose.

I have heard the argument that touching the flusher thing is reason enough for you to wash your hands after using a public restroom.  Um, I use my foot most of the time.  So if you are peeing after me, then yeah, you might want to wash my bottom-of-shoe germs off your hands.

I get a kick out of people who “fake wash” their hands after toileting.  They run their fingertips under the water for one second and dry their hands.  It is my belief that they only do this when there are other people in the public restroom who might be watching.  I think that if they were for real with themselves and the rest of the world, they would proudly strut wash-free out of that bathroom and get a squirt from their little personal hand sanitizing gel and call it donesies.

That’s what I do, at least.  I mean, “there are so many germs on the bathroom door handle” is just not a valid argument, in my opinion.  Or should I say, IMHO.

If you are a responsible, professional excreter like myself, there really is no need for immediate hand washing.  In the process, I touch my pants, the toilet paper, and the bathroom stall lock.  There are worse germs than that being spread during hand-shaking time at the local Southern Baptist church.  Maybe all the deacons should pass out alcohol wipes after that, if we really want to be sanitary.

Sometimes after leaving a public restroom without stopping at the sink, I imagine the little kids in line looking up at their mommies and saying, “Oh my word, mommy, that lady did not wash her hands.”

Heh heh, that’s right kid.  I didn’t.

*see what I did there?  It totally resembles the following hit movie title:  Precious, Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire, which I have not and probably never will see.  Sorry, Mariah Carey.



2 thoughts on “My Hands, based on the song Hands by Jewel*

  1. Katy Jane says:

    I never wash my hands either and Dan freaks and tells everyone. I’m like, what? I haven’t been sick in years and you know why? My immune system is stronger than yours from not washing every good germ off my hands.

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