a neighborly note

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January 19, 2012 by Heather

Dear person who lives nearby with all the barking dogs,

I have tried to sugar coat the situation by telling myself that it’s just like living in Lady and the Tramp.  The fact remains, however, that this is not a Disney movie.  Your enormous amount of dogs are out of control and you need to corral them and have a real heart to heart about why they need to shut the heck up.  Here are a couple reasons for you: 1) It drives Mayfield crazy and makes her bark, which is fairly annoying and could be completely stopped if your dogs would put a cork in it.  2)  I am pregnant, and I have enough raging hormones that I wouldn’t put it past me if I get so fed up with your loud pets that I walk outside, climb your fence, and squirt all of them in the face with a nerf water gun while yelling, “TAKE IT YOU NOISY MUTTS, TAKE IT.”

Also, is that your wiener dog  that bounces around the street, unleashed?  I am worried he is going to try to hump my innocent, virginal poodle.  His man-ary glands practically drag the ground, which is pretty gross.  Almost every time I take Mayfield out to potty – on a leash like a polite and responsible pet owner – here comes what I presume to be your dog… strutting about and sniffing my sweet petunia puppy.  I took pity on him yesterday when he was hanging out by our trash.  But now I am thisclose to being annoyed by his low hanging boy-dog parts and his little dog syndrome.  If his regions ever happen to touch my dog, watch out.  That wiener’s wiener will not be coming around here anymore.


Mayfield’s mother/guardian of her purity


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