January 23, 2012 by Heather
I cried three times.
Happened in the kitchen Saturday morning. Friday night we went to dinner with our friends, Katie & Casey. Afterward, we went to Target and did a speedy baby registry (speedy as in they closed in an hour). It was fun, picking out sweet little baby boy things and trying to decide which this and which that. That night I got very little sleep. A) because I couldn’t stop thinking about the things we picked out – “Did we choose the right stuff? I have no idea how to wash a bottle. Was it just me or did Andrew seem a little freaked out about all of it? Why did I register for the generic wipes? Oh no, we didn’t pick out a bathtub.” And B) because the little nugget child within kicked ALL NIGHT LONG. Actually it was kicking and rolling. The rolling makes me very nauseous.
So, Saturday morning I woke up sick to my stomach because of his constant movement and because I was so very nervous about this whole motherhood/parenting thing. And I was upset that Andrew had to work. After breakfast, I opened the little registry packet they gave us at Target. Inside was a sample of a newborn diaper from Huggies and all kinds of other coupons for baby things. And my hormones surged and I started boo-hooing. I’m talking ugly crying, with chest-heaving sobs and everything. I tried to call my sister but she did not answer in my time of need. I see how it is, Hannah. No biggie. I eventually calmed down after I realized the pets were staring at me, afraid. Then it started back up as soon as I walked by a mirror and saw my roundness and my slouchy pajamas and my gross hair. It was a really beautiful morning.
Happened Sunday at church. For Sanctity of Life Day, they showed a video before the preacher came up and did his thing. It was one of those “miracle of life” videos that showed a baby in all of its stages in the womb and has quotes about what is happening during certain weeks. About 10 seconds into it a quote came on the screen that said something about how as soon as a baby is conceived it has DNA that no one else in the world will ever have. And it showed a teensy tiny heart beating. ……And I lost it. I mean lost it. Thank goodness I had a travel pack of tissues in my purse. I don’t think I would have been so emotional (psh who am I kidding) if I hadn’t been so stressed out about all things pregnancy related for the past few days. My hair is thinner than ever, I am worried I’ll get postpartum depression, I am so nervous about actually having a baby outside of the womb to take care of, and I had gotten super annoyed that morning when I realized the only pants that fit were my one pair of maternity jeans and leggings. “I can’t wear JEANS to church!!!” Turns out everyone there wears jeans to church.
So the cheesy video made me realize that I should be focusing on only one emotion regarding being pregnant: thankfulness. And I am. I am so, so thankful. I also feel bad for possibly frightening the special needs young lady sitting next to me in church yesterday. After I reached for my kleenex, she scooted a chair down. Maybe she thought I needed some space.
Happened last night and I am kind of embarrassed to write about it for some reason. Here it is in a nutshell, and maybe someone reading this can relate, who knows. I am not working right now, as in, I am not employed and bringing home a paycheck. It is horrible to say, but I feel like I am worth more to Andrew if I am helping out with things financially. He gets frustrated when I say that and swears it’s a huge lie I made up in my weird brain.
The thing is, I am six months pregnant and it shows. Also, we have planned on me staying at home for an indefinite amount of time once the babe surfaces. I would feel absolutely ridiculous walking into a place with this belly and asking for a job application or handing them my resume, knowing it would just be for a few months. I know employers cannot legally discriminate against pregnant women, but you know they do. And the thing is, I like doing things around the house. I am not good at jobs. They stress me out and I get very little satisfaction from them, except for getting paid. I told Andrew last night that I now understand why stay at home moms do things like Scentsy and Arbonne and what have you. It’s because they feel like this.
So I gave into the hormones once again and ugly cried as we laid there in bed. I told Andrew I felt worthless, which I now know is a ridiculous thing to say, given that I’m growing a human and all. I ended up moving to the couch in the living room because my back was hurting. Seconds later, here came Andrew with the down comforter and his pillow. He slept in the floor next to the couch to make sure I didn’t cry anymore (his words). Bless his tall dark handsome heart.
There were lots of laughs this weekend too, the biggest one being when Andrew & I were discussing things we want to do after the baby gets here. We were talking about how I am looking forward to running again, and I said I didn’t know how long it would take me to recover after having the baby. There is a good chance that I’ll have to have a C-section, maybe even as early as 35 weeks. So I said that I know it takes a lot longer sometimes to get over a C-section since it’s a big surgery and all. To this, Andrew replied, “Oh you’ll recover fast. You’re built for pregnancy.”
Thank you, honey. 🙂