the most cohesive thing you’ve ever read


March 29, 2012 by Heather

I’m not really sure what to write about today.  Andrew told me yesterday that my blog post was “interesting” and “random.”  Being a hormonal girl I took those in the negative sense, of course.  So I’ve been putting off blogging all day because I could not come up with a cohesive and non-random thought to save my life.  I even thought about writing a post about something deep and meaningful, but come on, it’s Thursday.  Everyone knows you’re not supposed to think deep thoughts on Thursday.

I really think the pregnancy cellulite has worked its way from my thighs up into my brain, clogging up the part that used to be full of semi-intelligent thoughts and other important things.  I’m not even kidding.

Because I’ve always been told to write about what you know, today I will do just that.  No point in trying to sort through a big squishy wad of brain cellulite.  Too much work.

Every time I hear a Katy Perry song on the radio I can’t help but think that she reminds me of a girl who would have bullied me in high school.

A butterfly flew into my windshield on my way home this afternoon and its beautiful innards were splattered everywhere.  I almost cried.  Thank goodness the wind whisked it away so I didn’t have to stare at it.

Today at the mall I was in a store and saw an employee who, if asked, I would have said we were the same age.  Then I overheard her talking to a fellow employee about how she was born in 1992.  Six years after me.  I had to do the math three times in my head before I decided it was right.  This made me feel sort of old.  And matronly, for some reason.

What is it about polyester that makes my armpits stink?  Really, I’d like to know.

So, you’re in a store and you think the coast is clear so you pass gas.  Crop dust, if you will.  Then, and it almost always happens, a person appears behind you out of no where and walks right through the fumes.  I hate that.  Of course, I would never do such a nasty thing.  I am obviously always the walk-through victim.

It has come to my attention that I will be spending the summer glued in front of a box fan, with a baby glued to my milk jugs.  It’s sure to be a glamorous time, and yes, I will be accepting guests.

This morning I made myself a smoothie and immediately got all cocky, like, oooh look at me, I’m so healthy.  Then I ate a brownie that Andrew brought home from work yesterday.  I told myself it was probably made with dark chocolate, and that the baby needed the antioxidants.  What the h are antioxidants anyway.

I wonder if there is anyone else out there who does what I do.  I check, like, three times a day.  I look at all the pictures, read a lot of the stories.  I know who all those people are.  But when I’m in a group setting and someone brings up a celebrity, I pretend like I don’t know their last name or what they are up to these days.  You know you do it to.

….tune in tomorrow for what is sure to be a riveting post about the joys of being 34 weeks pregnant.







One thought on “the most cohesive thing you’ve ever read

  1. You should check out It’s where I get my juicy fix. Sometimes they have things on there three or four days before I see it anywhere else!

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