April 30, 2012 by Heather
“Oh, bless your heart, you look miserable!” I may be uncomfortable, yes. I may not feel 100%, and I may be waddling my way through Walmart with swollen feet. But by golly I am growing a freaking miracle inside of me, and I am beyond blessed to get to experience it. So please do not tell me I look miserable, because even though I might not feel so great, this is one of the coolest things ever. (It’s sort of the non-pregnant equivalent of someone asking if you’re sick, even when you feel perfectly fine. It’s like, do I look that bad?)
“How much longer have you got?” I understand what you mean when you ask this. You are wondering when I am due, correct? Because I am really close to answering you like this: “Are you referring to my terminal illness or my pregnancy?”
“You sure there’s just one in there?” You know, I’m not. Do you think you could take a look for me? Great, thanks. YES I’M SURE THERE’S JUST ONE YOU MORON.
“Giving birth is the closest to death that the human body can get without actually dying.” That is just fantastic. Thank you for that incredible insight. Go away.
“Wow! That’s gonna be a big baby!” You know what? Shut up. And how do you know, anyway? Are you somehow able to determine the weight of things with your beady little eyes? And, by the way, what are you growing in your belly?
“Catch up on your sleep while you can!” I got a C in Psychology, but I’m pretty sure you can’t catch up on sleep that you haven’t even lost yet. I could be wrong though.
“Have they checked to see if you’re dilated yet? Just wait – it feels like they’re checking your tonsils.” Even though I was a little alarmed to hear this in the grocery store check out line, turns out a more accurate description has never been uttered.
“Your life will never be the same.” This one really bothers me, like, a lot. I think I could write an entire post about how it makes me feel to hear this as someone’s parenting “advice.” Something about it just screams, Enjoy life while you still can! Maybe I’m taking it in the completely negative sense, but that is how people make it sound. It makes me so sad. It’s like when people call a wedding a funeral, or refer to a groom’s bride-to-be as the ol’ ball and chain. If you can’t say something nice, just go away. And if you do mean this statement in a positive way, then follow it with something encouraging.
Here are some things you should say to a pregnant woman (and make darn sure she is actually pregnant before doing so):
“You look wonderful!”
“When are you due?”
“Oh, what a beautiful bump!”
“What are you having?”
“You’ve certainly got that glow!”
“Here, let me pay for your groceries!” (a girl can dream)
“You will be an amazing mother.”
“Would you like a foot rub, dear?”