May 2, 2012 by Heather
Yesterday was one of those unfortunate days where everything just felt a little… off. And not in a good way. You know how sometimes there will be days that feel that way but you roll with it and keep a good attitude and know that tomorrow is a new day? Yesterday was not like that.
There were dishes in the sink, laundry to be done, groceries to be bought, bills to be paid, letters to mail, a cold to get over, plants to be re-potted, dinner to make, a hard-working husband to be chipper for, and a 7 pound baby to carry.
Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing too difficult.
But yesterday it was too much, and I completely lost it.
The losing it began when I was getting ready to run some errands and got a little winded while doing my makeup. As in, I got out of breath and had to go sit down and drink some cold water. The combination of the lingering cold and the baby squishing my organs resulted in me feeling like a fat kid at recess.
Then it was hot outside, and don’t get me started on that. Me + heat = not so much. Me + 40 extra pounds + heat = hell.
I finally got to the store and had spent 80% of the weekly grocery budget before I’d even gotten any food. Pet stuff, laundry stuff, bathroom stuff. Don’t you hate those weeks?
By the time I got the groceries loaded up in my car, returned the buggy, and hoisted my large self up into the driver’s seat, I was in full breakdown mode. Sweating, choking back tears, trying to catch my breath. Wondering how everything was going to work out with me not working, us having a baby, and life not getting any cheaper. This was the fourth week in a row I’d gone way over our grocery budget.
I’ve never been one to worry about the financial side of things, but for some reason it all came rushing onto my shoulders yesterday and it was more than I could carry.
I made it about a mile down the road before the giant, ugly sobs came on in full force. It was the kind of crying they warn you about in driver’s ed – the kind where you should just pull over, get it all out, and then resume your driving because it’s just not safe.
I felt like everything I wanted to control was so very out of my control. I felt helpless and incredibly unprepared for the new challenges that a baby will bring. Being a stay at home mom? Is that really what I want to do? Will it be enough? There was a moment where I had the thought of, Oh my gosh, I can’t do this. I can’t. Only to realize that I don’t really have a choice, which just made me feel even more out of control of my life. Cue more ugly crying.
My mom called as I was putting the groceries away and boy did she get an earful. A hard-to-understand earful. I’m sure she thought I’d lost a limb or something when I answered the phone sobbing.
When we got off the phone I turned on a random mix of Sara Groves songs just so the only sounds in the apartment wouldn’t be me crying/wheezing like an old man. As I put the last of the groceries away, the song “It Is Well” came on. I had finally dried it up by this point and was sitting down looking through some coupons.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials will come,
Let this blest assurance control:
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate
And has shed His own blood for my soul.
He knows. He is fully, one hundred percent aware of how very helpless and out of it I am feeling. And, no matter how much I may hate it, I am not in control (and thank goodness). He has regarded my helpless estate. He has taken care of it and will continue to do so. I only need to trust in His promises – lean into His arms and give it all up. He knows exactly where I am, what I am doing, what I am thinking. He knows how terrified and stressed out I can get about various situations. And how easily I forget the countless times He has pulled me through them… how easily I forget.
When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot, You have taught me to say:
It is well, it is well with my soul.