even so


May 2, 2012 by Heather

Yesterday was one of those unfortunate days where everything just felt a little… off.  And not in a good way.  You know how sometimes there will be days that feel that way but you roll with it and keep a good attitude and know that tomorrow is a new day?  Yesterday was not like that.

There were dishes in the sink, laundry to be done, groceries to be bought, bills to be paid, letters to mail, a cold to get over, plants to be re-potted, dinner to make, a hard-working husband to be chipper for, and a 7 pound baby to carry.

Nothing out of the ordinary.  Nothing too difficult.

But yesterday it was too much, and I completely lost it.

The losing it began when I was getting ready to run some errands and got a little winded while doing my makeup.  As in, I got out of breath and had to go sit down and drink some cold water.  The combination of the lingering cold and the baby squishing my organs resulted in me feeling like a fat kid at recess.

Then it was hot outside, and don’t get me started on that.  Me + heat = not so much.  Me + 40 extra pounds + heat = hell.

I finally got to the store and had spent 80% of the weekly grocery budget before I’d even gotten any food.  Pet stuff, laundry stuff, bathroom stuff.  Don’t you hate those weeks?

By the time I got the groceries loaded up in my car, returned the buggy, and hoisted my large self up into the driver’s seat, I was in full breakdown mode.  Sweating, choking back tears, trying to catch my breath.  Wondering how everything was going to work out with me not working, us having a baby, and life not getting any cheaper.  This was the fourth week in a row I’d gone way over our grocery budget.

I’ve never been one to worry about the financial side of things, but for some reason it all came rushing onto my shoulders yesterday and it was more than I could carry.

I made it about a mile down the road before the giant, ugly sobs came on in full force.  It was the kind of crying they warn you about in driver’s ed – the kind where you should just pull over, get it all out, and then resume your driving because it’s just not safe.

I felt like everything I wanted to control was so very out of my control.  I felt helpless and incredibly unprepared for the new challenges that a baby will bring.  Being a stay at home mom?  Is that really what I want to do?  Will it be enough?  There was a moment where I had the thought of, Oh my gosh, I can’t do this.  I can’t.  Only to realize that I don’t really have a choice, which just made me feel even more out of control of my life.  Cue more ugly crying.

My mom called as I was putting the groceries away and boy did she get an earful.  A hard-to-understand earful.  I’m sure she thought I’d lost a limb or something when I answered the phone sobbing.

When we got off the phone I turned on a random mix of Sara Groves songs just so the only sounds in the apartment wouldn’t be me crying/wheezing like an old man.  As I put the last of the groceries away, the song “It Is Well” came on.  I had finally dried it up by this point and was sitting down looking through some coupons.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials will come,
Let this blest assurance control:
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate
And has shed His own blood for my soul.

He knows.  He is fully, one hundred percent aware of how very helpless and out of it I am feeling.  And, no matter how much I may hate it, I am not in control (and thank goodness).  He has regarded my helpless estate.  He has taken care of it and will continue to do so.  I only need to trust in His promises – lean into His arms and give it all up.  He knows exactly where I am, what I am doing, what I am thinking.  He knows how terrified and stressed out I can get about various situations.  And how easily I forget the countless times He has pulled me through them… how easily I forget.

When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot, You have taught me to say:
It is well, it is well with my soul.



6 thoughts on “even so

  1. Jennifer H says:

    I completely understand having “one of those days.” Mine lately have been the overwhelming panic of “do I have enough patience and endurance for two kids under 2?” The answer is, I will when I need it. As far as budget goes, you’ll have those months where you go over and then you’ll finally have those times when you don’t. We’ve been living on $50-$60/wk grocery budget for about a year. It’s tough, you don’t get to eat great meals, and you don’t get to each meat all the time but you survive. One thing that has helped us a lot is WIC. If you qualify, it’s a great program that provides some of those basic foods that everyone needs. It covers pregnant/nursing moms and kids up to 5 years. Seriously look into it if you haven’t already.The biggest hurdle for me with it was getting over the stigma that we were bums mooching off the government. Truth is it’s there for families who just don’t make a lot of money and need a little help. Hope these last few weeks/days aren’t too rough. And, to be cliche, it’s all worth it in the end…most of the time.

    • Thank you for saying that… and you will be able to handle 2 kids. Our grocery budget is very similar, and luckily we aren’t huge meat eaters so it’s not that big of a deal. But we do like a lot of fruit and veggies, which is expensive… blah. Why is it so expensive to eat healthy??? I’ll never understand. And we got qualified for WIC a couple of months ago and have been using it, praise the Lord. I hear ya about the stigma. It has been pretty humbling so far, to be honest. Do you remember that one time during freshmen orientation when we both took two nyquil gel-caps one night and were basically useless the next day?

      • Jennifer H says:

        Same here about fruit and veggies especially with a little one who eats a ton of fresh fruit! WIC is truly amazing and is super helpful once the little guy starts eating (talk about expensive, have you looked at the price of baby food?!). And yes I do remember that lovely weekend. NyQuill is definitely designed for when you actually need it. You live, you learn.

  2. Hannah J. says:

    That is my absolute favorite hymn. Love it. So very much. Next time you have one of these days I will softly hum it into your ear.

  3. Good Womann says:

    Thanks for sharing that hymn, and for sharing your honest words. In pathetic news, I actually tried to use some coupons the other day, and ended up spending more money than I normally do?

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