that thing got a hemi? the ugly side of pregnancy


May 10, 2012 by Heather

There is so much about pregnancy that is pretty gross, come to find out.  Sure, you’ve got this cute bump and you have that glow and your hair is thicker… but that is where the cute part stops.  Especially once you are in the third trimester, things really start to take a downward turn for the grosser.  If you don’t mind, I’d like to record a few of them here for posterity’s sake.

I’ve never had so much snot before.  I don’t remember reading about it as a pregnancy symptom, so a few months ago when I first noticed the amount of boogers accumulating in my nose I was like, what in the world?  I’m not even kidding.  So many boogers.  I wonder if it has anything to do with other, ahem, heightened mucus levels.  Who knows.  Or should I say, who nose.

Speaking of those other mucus levels… , all I’ll say is this:  gross.  Just, gross.

We’ve all heard about how a pregnant lady can fart you into next year, and it is very true.  Especially here towards the end, my word.  It is basically uncontrollable – I guess because there is so much pressure down there that POOOF it escapes before you can even think about squeezing your cheeks or crossing your legs.  Well, scratch that, because you can’t cross your legs.  Luckily, if you are sitting down, your substantial weight can pretty much muffle any sound that might escape.

Getting dressed is a rather unsightly and annoying thing.  Putting on pants, undies, shorts, socks, anything like that, requires bending your knees out to the side one at a time like a frog and hunching over as far as you can, which is not very far at all.  Basically you look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.  And if your pelvis is out to ruin your life like mine is, there is a heavy amount of wincing involved while raising your legs.  There are also moments where you think something still fits, only to find out (after not being able to get the maternity jeans past your knees) that they in fact are way too small.  And you can’t bend over to peel them off your cankles, so you have to perform a sort of stomping dance where you hold one pant leg down with your foot while trying to yank that cankle out, and vice versa.  Or you have to ask your husband to do it.

Speaking of asking your husband to do it, there comes a point in pregnancy where being “sexy” is defined in a very different way.  Your belly is shockingly large, you are swollen, you have all kinds of weird fat in various places, and you can’t lay on your back or really move around at all.  All you really have going for you at this point in sexy-town are two things:  your thicker hair and your fuller breasticles, which are not really all that sexy themselves at a certain point because all they do is sit on top of your huge belly like a couple of water balloons.  So let that hair down, pretend like you’re not a beach ball, and practice making your next baby.  Just try not to say things like, “Watch out for my cervix,” while doing so.

Ahhh, constipation.  Is there anything more pleasant in all the world?  Back in November I wrote about The Toilet Struggle of 2011 that ended (finally) with Andrew running to the nearest store for a plunger.  Getting used to the iron in the prenatal vitamins can do a real number on your behind.  I also have to take an extra iron supplement, so getting regular and staying that way has been an ongoing battle.  Lots of fruit, lots of whole grains, lots of water.

However, even with a fibrous diet such as that, you can still be susceptible to one of the many wonders of the third trimester:  the hemorrhoid.  I had no idea.  I mean, I did, but I didn’t, you know what I mean?  I thought those were things that old people got.  After The Toilet Struggle of 2011, I researched pregnancy constipation and learned that ‘rhoids are a really common issue, so I have been on the watch for some time now, especially when a “movement” requires a little more exertion than normal.

Well, long story short, they surfaced.  And it isn’t all that bothersome, it just makes me feel like a gross old man.  Which is wonderful, of course.

Because I don’t want the last thing I write on here to be about my rectum, another thing that is not fun in the third trimester is the way none of your clothes fit, and I’m talking about the maternity ones.  For a little over a month now I’ve been living in the same 3 tank tops and two pairs of yoga pants.  I have a couple of dresses that fit, but they are kind of annoying to wear because my thighs rub together and wearing boxers underneath them just looks odd.  Andrew has three t-shirts that are a size large (the rest are medium), so I wear those to sleep in.  My belly still hangs out in those.  I’ve started hiding them after I wash them so he won’t wear them.  Big girl has to look out for herself, you know.

So there you have it – a real lady like account of how beautiful and amazing a pregnancy can be.

Throw in the acne, cellulite, stretch marks, waddling, grunting, and eating like you are in a food competition and you have one glamorous time indeed!!!

A picture of true beauty and poise.





5 thoughts on “that thing got a hemi? the ugly side of pregnancy

  1. I know what you mean about the boogers! And they’re just huge too! I blew my nose constantly and now I still do because I still think they’re as bad when they’re not lol.

  2. Hannah J. says:

    Hahaha, this is pretty funny. And true. I dealt with all of these things too. It’s pretty sucky, especially the hemmorhoids. Yikes. I’m sorry that you feel like an old man. You don’t look like one, though!

    P.S. I am getting better about actually knowing where my phone is so that I don’t miss a labor call!!!!

  3. jami says:

    I love this post! I have been deciding lately that I’m simply turning into a roly poly (or however you spell it!) Everything is turning round and fat. I’m ok with the belly but man my thighs and ankles and hips and arms are just getting round…. I used to love being naked and now I’m just astonished when I see myself! How come noone tells you about the snot thing? It’s just weird! You look awesome and it’s almost over my friend!

    • Don’t think of it as roundness, think of it as “suppleness.” Haha. And you look AMAZING, for real. I hear you about being astonished at seeing yourself naked. It is just so totally strange..

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