excuse me, i mustache you a question.

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May 15, 2012 by Heather

Mustaches seem to be all the rage.  Not necessarily in real life, but in other forms.  Forms such as necklaces, photo props, baby pacifiers, little ring things that you put on a beer bottle that make it look like you have a mustache while guzzling down your brew, t-shirts, wall art.  I’ve seen lots of pictures where people have drawn a mustache on the inside of their pointer finger and have it curled over their lips.  I once saw a house that had a giant mustache hung over the front door.  Everyone is just so original these days, you know.  “Hey, wouldn’t it look awesome if we nailed a fake mustache to the house??”

I’m not sure where the trend came from exactly, but I can tell you one thing.

Upper lip hair is no joke.  Especially if you are a lady and the upper lip hair is on your upper lip.  Trust me, I would know.

I don’t remember when I first noticed it… I’m guessing it probably did not catch my eye until I started wearing makeup, which was sometime around 7th grade (all purple, by the way).  Even then though I probably didn’t care too much about it.  It must have become a much bigger issue after I had my first kiss in the 9th grade and I began to pay careful attention to my lips.  You know, practicing my pucker in the mirror and stuff like that.  A puckered face really brings out the upper lip hair.  It makes it kind of flare out.  Plus I have dark hair, making it all the more noticeable.  Dang it.

So I used my allowance to buy a Sally Hansen Facial Hair Bleaching Kit.  It came with these two ingredients that you mixed together and then applied to the area with this little flat plastic spatula.  Once you mixed it all together it smelled pretty strong.  As Ron Burgandy would say, it stung the nostrils.  This should have made me pause a moment before slathering it on my face, but I was determined.

Not only did it sting the nostrils, it also stung the life out of my upper lip.  I remember after the first application when I wiped all the bleach paste off and in its place was a bright red patch of skin covered with super blonde hairs.  I thought, oh no, what on Earth have I done to my face.  Luckily it calmed down and returned to a normal flesh tone, leaving my lip hair nice and bleached and hardly noticeable.  Success!

I continued on this bleaching streak all the way through high school.  When I got to college, I discovered that my fellow dark haired girlfriends used a different technique to remove their ‘staches.  They shaved them!!!  With a tiny face razor!!!  It was just another part of their makeup routine that took mere seconds to do.  They would clean up their eyebrows with these tiny razors and then use it on their upper lip.  This was really something.  I had never thought to shave it.  And if I had, my mother would have freaked out and told me that now I’d be covered with whiskers like a man.

I remember finally getting up the nerve to try my friend Elizabeth’s little face razor (yes, Daniel, your girlfriend has upper lip hair).  It took a while to bush-hog through all that bleached hair, but I did it and was left with a smooth surface.  Wow.  So this was what it was like to be lady-‘stache free.  It felt amazing and totally glamorous.  My face powder now had no hair to cling to, and my lip hair would no longer glisten in the sun, distracting the boys who might want to smooch me.  I could throw Sally Hansen in the trash and not have to spend my Sunday nights burning off the top layer of skin on my upper lip with her bleaching concoction.  Sweet, sweet freedom.

Ever since then, I have been a huge fan of the tiny face razor.  No, it is not electric.  They come in packs of three at WalMart, and they are fantastic.  I use them on my eyebrows (no more plucking!), my lady-‘stache, and those crazy errant chin hairs that we all have.  Don’t even lie, you know you have them.  (Don’t you just love the word “errant?”)

And even if I skip a few days, there aren’t whiskers.

So, to wrap this up.  If you are a fellow woman who suffers from upper lip hair, run – don’t walk, to the nearest drugstore and get yourself a pack of tiny face razors.  We all deserve to have smooth upper lip regions.  Save the mustaches for the fellas and the hipsters who feel like they should draw them on their fingers or wear them around their necks.



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