July 3, 2012 by Heather
Last night while I was rocking Parker to sleep around 10:45pm, I heard Andrew banging around in the living room. A few minutes later he came and told me that there was a really big bug in the living room and he had tried to kill it but was unsuccessful. He said again that it was really big, and held his thumb and forefinger about three inches apart to show just how big it was. Something about Andrew: he does not exaggerate about anything. Me? I would use the same finger distance to describe a fire ant. So I knew it must be a pretty good size bug.
I hate bugs. Some of them I can sort of handle (lady bugs, ants), but most of them really creep me out. Especially spiders and any bug that is big. Like this bug.
Oh, and another fun fact – we had already had an argument earlier in the evening. So there was some tension. And me saying, “You better go back in there and kill that bug or else I’ll be staying at a hotel” probably didn’t help things much.
He said that it had run away and probably gone out the door. Wow, that is a big bug, I thought. I mean, it’s able to reach up and open the door and walk out. I’m sure at this point he was regretting even telling me. I asked if he had moved the couches and looked under them. He sighed and went back in the living room, then came back after a few minutes and said he couldn’t find it.
Parker fell asleep around 11:15pm and I laid him in his bassinet and climbed into bed next to Andrew. But I didn’t lay down, instead I sat there, perched by my baby like a mama bear, waiting for the bug to crawl into the room and meet its doom. This frustrated my husband. “Just go to sleep,” he said. “It’s not going to come in here. It’s probably already dead. I’m so tired, please lay down.”
“Nope. I don’t want it to crawl on Parker’s face.”
We went back and forth like this for a while, with Andrew growing increasingly frustrated by my antics.
Finally I talked him into going back into the living room with my help and seeing if we could coax the bug out from its hiding place and kill it. Exasperated, he threw the covers off and stormed into the living room. I put on my running shoes and joined him. You can never be too careful around big bugs.
He pulled the love seat out from the wall to show me that the bug was no where to be found. I came down from the coffee table where I was standing and pushed one corner of the love seat back and OH MY GOSH THERE GOES THE BUG HOLY CRAP ANDREW WHERE ARE YOU GET THE BUG THERE IT IS KILL IT. Of course, it ran underneath the bookshelf before either of us got to it.
I’m telling you, it was a big bug. A. Very. Big. Bug. Honestly, I’ve never seen a bug that big. It was like a fat pregnant man roach on steroids.
Now that I had seen the size of the thing, I was even more determined to kill it. Andrew did not share my sentiments. He was convinced that it would just stay under the bookshelf and never ever come out. I asked if he could scoot the shelf out from the wall and see if the bug was behind it. While he scooted, I went to the kitchen and grabbed the broom and the swiffer mop.
The bug was no where to be seen in the inch between the shelf and the wall. Andrew kept running the swiffer back behind it, but nada. He was on one side, December was on the other side. I was back on the coffee table in my nighty and running shoes.
In a most ridiculous fashion, I said that we needed to take the books off the shelf so we could really move it. This was an absurd idea to Andrew, so we went back and forth and back and forth about it. By the time he agreed to do it, we could have already done it and been in bed. He said, “I want to go on the record saying that this is a really dumb thing to do.” Obviously, I did not care. I just wanted to find the bug and kill it so I could go to sleep in peace.
So down came the books. All over the floor, all over the couches. I readied myself on the love seat with the swiffer in hand, while Andrew stood on the other side of the bookshelf and proceeded to nudge it further away from the wall.
Of course the bug came out on my side.
SMUSH went the swiffer.
I gave Andrew the handle, keeping the swiffer mop firmly pressed into the carpet and on top of the bug, and ran into the kitchen. He picked up the bug with some paper towels and flushed it down the toilet.
We put the books back on the shelf, rather haphazardly. Not that they were in any kind of order in the first place.
Then we went to bed, well after midnight.
I’m sure that next time Andrew misses a bug, he’ll keep it to himself.