baby blues, revisited

5

August 3, 2012 by Heather

Yesterday was a tough one.  It was ugly and awful and had me thinking terrible things like, Why oh why did God see fit to give me a baby?  And, I just want to run away… I cannot do thisI cannot be a mom, I just don’t want to do it anymore.

I told you, it was ugly.

Parker cried all. day. long.  When he wasn’t crying, he was eating.  By 2pm I was at my wit’s end, and then he decided not to take his afternoon nap and I just about lost it.  Well, I guess sobbing in the living room floor while your screaming baby is in another room with a wet diaper can technically be called losing it.

It was the longest, most frustrating day I’d had in a while.  I am reading this book called “Big Girls Don’t Whine,” and I have been trying to implement a lot of it in my day-to-day life.  I tend to have trouble controlling my attitude and being able to change it from bad to good.  As in, I can’t do it.  I also tend to dwell on the bad parts of a day, rather than the hundreds of good parts, thus making it a “bad day,” when it was so totally a good day.  I’ve been called a pessimist.  Can you believe that?  The nerve.

Yesterday I tried really hard to be grateful for my situation and act like a Big Girl and rely on God to get me through what I had already deemed to be a really bad day.  All I wanted was for things to be the way they were, pre-baby.  I was having incredibly selfish thoughts that even stretched into being jealous of my precious husband for being in the best shape of his life, while here I am jiggling all over the place like a bowl of jello.

It was a long day, and at the end of it I felt like I had been through some sort of emotional storm.  I’d written a quick blog post about my weight loss strategy that was very “oh look at me, I’m so great and have everything pulled together,” when in reality I was just pissed off that I was even having to come up with a way to fit into my freaking pants.  By bedtime, I was weary, exhausted, frustrated, and mad at myself for behaving so badly.  I had also decided that Parker would be an only child.  Ha.

As I laid in bed trying to fall asleep, I was reminded of God’s strength, and how perfect and complete it is when I am so very weak.  It is more than enough, and I spent the whole day trying to rely on my own capacities that turned out to be so futile.  Instead of crying in the floor and having a pity party, I should have been on my knees praying for strength and thanking God for blessing my life with such an incredible gift.  He knew what he was doing last August when I got pregnant.  It was not a surprise to Him at all, even if it sort of blew our socks off.  It is all part of His great plan for my life, so why do I keep questioning it?  I am doing exactly (exactly) what I’m supposed to be doing.

The Creator of the Universe has put me in charge of what He considers to be His finest work, a human life.  What an awesome responsibility.  A cute one, too.  So on days like yesterday when I question His plan and wish for something different, I need to remember that I’m right where I should be, mothering the wonderful little son who needs me so desperately.  I am so, so blessed.

Also, until about a month ago I thought “tummy time” meant that I laid him on my chest in such a way that our tummies touched.  We have some catching up to do.  Hmm.

When he was telling me why he did not want to take a nap.

happy weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

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5 thoughts on “baby blues, revisited

  1. Marcia says:

    Heather I love your honesty! It’s been 35 years since I was a Mother of an infant. And I wish I could have had an outlet to read at the time.What a wonderful source of sharing for all those Moms out there that could use a shoulder. You aren’t going crazy, we’ve all been there! Hang in there, you’re doing just fine! And we all need to have a reality check when it comes to counting our blessing!

  2. Thank you, Marcia! You are so sweet.

  3. Kala Gilland says:

    I couldn’t agree more with Marcia! Reading your blogs totally make me feel like I’m not the only going through this. Thanks soo much!

  4. Stephanie says:

    You really don’t know me except I played with your sweet Parker this morning in nursery 🙂 I love reading your blog! A few Williams friends told me you were hilarious, and that is indeed true. But you are also HONEST. Love that. I remember so many moments of this level of frustration as a new mother. Hang in there. All of us other mommies (even though mine are 11 and 6) can relate 🙂

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