how to: be pretty in a pinch


August 28, 2012 by Heather

What a morning we’ve had!  It started at 12:01am when Parker decided that sleeping peacefully was for the birds, then when he decided it again at 2:30am and then also at 5am, when he thought it would be a good idea to spit up all over me and then fill his britches with an impressive amount of poop right when I laid him in his crib and thought it was safe to tip-toe on outta there.  “Think agaaaiiin, Mom!  Muuuahahahahhaaaa!”

He’s lucky he’s so darn cute.

And then I dropped a ponytail holder in the toilet.  It was a freshly-flushed toilet, but still.  Something always feels so weird about putting your hand in toilet water, no matter how many times people tell you how clean it is.  Kind of like how they always say a dog’s mouth is cleaner than your own…. it just doesn’t smell that way, you know?

SO.  Onto what I wanted to discuss with you today.  Because this is a discussion, duh.

I enjoy spending time on my appearance.  That sounds totally vain.  Let me rephrase it.  I like to put my best face forward.  And hair, and everything else.  Don’t judge, you know you do too.  And if you are judging, I cordially invite you to scram.

I’ve been known to spend an inordinate amount of time getting ready.  I’ve also been known to spend thirty bucks on a single tube of lipgloss without batting a heavily mascara-ed eyelash.  Back before I had other, ahem, priorities (child, husband), it was not uncommon for me to spend an evening “playing” with makeup or practicing a new hair-do.  I love putting makeup on other people.  It’s just something I genuinely enjoy.

However, since becoming a mother, there is little time for such antics.  Now days, the goal is to look as un-scary as possible when going out in pubic public.

Being the conceited diva that I am, I loooove reading beauty magazines.  I also love the “hair & beauty” section on Pinterest.  Ugh, Pinterest.  Both of which have lots of “tips” for getting ready in a hurry or looking polished in a flash.  However, most of the time, the tips really annoy me with the language they use.  Things like, “pop on some cream blush for a makeup-less looking glow.”  Or “twist here, braid there, pouf here, and then pin it all back with a bobby pin.”  Listen, maybe I’m a little slow, but I do not pop or pin anything in the speedy fashion they tend to emphasize.

Or my other favorite one, “braid your damp hair before bed to wake up to a head full of beachy waves.”  I’ve tried this one the past two nights and have been let down both times.  In reality, Glamour magazine, you wake up with a hot mess on top of your head and bags under your eyes because it is really uncomfortable messing with that dang braid the whole night.

I think I might start my own magazine with articles in it like:

“How To Cover Up All Your Hormone-Induced Zits in Five Minutes Flat”
“News Flash:  Don’t Wash Off Your Waterproof Eyeliner & it Will Last For Two More Days”
“Go Ahead, Pop That Pimple, You Know You Want To”
“Don’t Use the Gradual-Tan Lotion, It Smells Like Armpit”
“If You Try to Paint Zig-Zags on Your Nails, You Will Look Like a Nine-Year-Old”
“People Will Look at You Weird if You Wear Red Lipstick to Wal-Mart”
“When All Else Fails, Put On a Hat And Keep Your Head Down”
“No One Has To Know Those ‘Reading’ Glasses You’re Using To Cover Your Puffy Eyes Are From Claire’s”



2 thoughts on “how to: be pretty in a pinch

  1. ashtonmckenna says:

    Haha, every beauty trick I have tried from there has failed miserably. I, too, have tried the beach waves. It looked more like I had just gotten out of the ocean. Oh well. And after a long day, I could see the sock peering through my sock bun.

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