December 5, 2012 by Heather
I’ll tell you what happens: None of your clothes fit. Well, I take that back. The clothes that you had to go out and buy because you were tired of only wearing stretchy pants and maternity clothes 6 months post baby – those clothes fit. But you are mad that you even had to buy them, so you secretly hate them even if it does feel good to button a pair of normal pants. Not to mention they are twice the size of your pre-pregnancy ones that you recently shoved in a box and hid in the top of your closet with a huff and a string of dirty words about your fat this-and-that.
Something else that happens: You become increasingly annoyed at all the other new moms on facebook who feel the need to post things about their amazing post-baby bodies. You try really hard to not be mad and jealous and judgy, but my gosh, it’s only been a week and a half and her old pants fit? I feel like it’s ok to hate on that kind of boasting, just a little bit.
Another thing that happens: You see an old photo of yourself and it makes you tear up, and also wonder what kind of miracle it will take to get you back to that. You simultaneously curse your 20-year-old self for even thinking you needed to lose just a few more pounds. Come on, former self.
Something else: You come up with names for your new jiggly areas. Ladies who have had c-sections, I’m sure you can understand when I say that I like to call the lower portion of my belly “the ledge” or “the dropoff” or “the great divide” because right above my scar there is a very sudden and distinct tuck-under where they stitched up my make-shift tummy vagina. It is awful, and I cannot stand to wear pants that slide or roll below it. Kind of like this guy:
Another thing that happens: You might fall prey to a certain destructive behavior I call “Reading About Celebrities Who Lose Their Baby Weight in Five Seconds.” See also, “Looking At Photo Galleries On People.com Of Hot Famous Moms Who Bounce Back So Fast.” Along those same lines is, “Finding Jessica Simpson’s Post-Baby Smoothie Cleanse Online And Wondering If You Could Maybe Do It Before Quickly Deciding That Hell To The No You Could Not.” (Seriously, why do they even post stories like this one on the interwebs?)
Oh yeah, something else that happens when you don’t lose the baby weight as fast as you thought you would is that you kind of start to obsess about it just a little bit. If you’ve struggled in the past with your weight, you might find yourself harboring feelings of resentment. Not toward your baby, but toward the way your body responded to you having a baby. You shoot down compliments from others. You stand in your closet and cry because it used to be so fun putting together outfits. You momentarily consider adopting some sort of mild eating disorder but then remember you are a mother and must behave more emotionally stable than that. You write about it on your blog and get private messages from people telling you to, well, get over it. Ah yes, thank you.
At the end of the day (and the beginning and the middle of the night), you are left with the most wonderful little baby you could have ever imagined. You will sit next to his crib at night, watching him sleep, and realize something – you’d gain a zillion more pounds if it meant you got to keep him.
And besides, he needs some squish to sit on anyway.