May 30, 2013 by Heather
I love magazines. I would subscribe to twenty of them if I could. But since that’s not really practical, I enjoy checking out a pile of them every month at the local county library, where I frequently get scolded for not having a library card:
“It’s Heather Watson, I’m in the system. I just don’t have a card.”
“What do you mean, you don’t have a card? It says here we sent you one back in ’06.”
“Well… I don’t have one now. Could I get a new one?”
At this point, the library lady likes to pause and glare at me over the top of her reading glasses like I’m not who I say I am. Ok, you caught me. My REAL name is Katrinka McBranowitz. So I offer to show her my driver’s license, which is met with a wave of her hand and a somewhat smug head shake.
“We’ll be updating our system this summer anyway so everyone will be mailed a new card. You’ll probably get one then.”
So she scans my embarrassing stack of magazines and I fight the urge to say something stupid like, “I read actual books too, you know” while simultaneously shoving a handful of the free cat bookmarks into the diaper bag for my cat-crazed son.
I’ll usually get a few fitness magazines, a couple fashion ones, and then something grown up like Real Simple or Women’s Day. I like to spread them throughout the house – a couple in the bathroom, one by the bed, a few in Parker’s room next to the rocking chair for me to enjoy with my coffee during his morning play time.
But listen. The most recent crop of fitness magazines I brought home really chapped my rear for some reason. It’s like all of a sudden I finally realized they all say the same exact baloney, just in different ways and with different skinny-minny models (who, if they were being honest, would probably tell you that they did NOT get their abs that flat in 5 minutes or less, like the article so proudly shouts from the page).
Lose 10 Pounds This Month. Eat Superfoods And You Will Glow. Firm Up Your Midsection While Watching TV. Kelly Osbourne Tells You How She Lost 70 lbs. Five Hundred and Seventy-Three Healthy Recipes in a Flash! Get Your Dream Butt Now!
They always have these step-by-step instructions for how to do a series of exercises that will completely transform your entire body in less than 30 seconds. I’ve tried to do them before, and it’s frustrating trying to read all the directions and ugh my arm isn’t in the right spot and crap now I can’t see the page and how does that girl not have at least one fat roll in that pose? One magazine I got this week has this salsa routine that’s supposed to really heat up your bod in no time, and I just about started laughing when I read the instructions for it. I mean, come on. Am I the only one who thinks this is ridiculous? Maybe I can get Andrew to try it.
And I understand why they choose the models they choose, I really do. It’s supposed to be motivating. I get it. But at least put them in an old t-shirt and some baggy shorts so we can somewhat identify with them. Maybe show them doing their plank variations next to a pile of laundry that needs folded. I don’t know.
Maybe, just maybe, don’t use salmon in so many of your 573 recipes. We don’t all like fish, ok. And also, almonds are kind of a sucky afternoon snack. Just FYI.
Alright. I’m out. I have a date with my kettle ball and page 90 of Women’s Health. What? Just because it drives me nuts doesn’t mean I can’t try it. And get ready, because it says that in just 15 minutes I will be in “killer” shape. OMG.