“This is what hard work smells like.”

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June 3, 2013 by katyjane86

Happy Monday, Marshmallow Peeps!  Boy do I have a case-of-the-Mondays pick me up for you.  Allow me to introduce my dear friend, Katy Jane.  She is, hands down, the most wonderfully quirky person I know.  She wears combat boots and has her very own library room in her house.  It is not unheard of for her to be outside shooting at stuff one minute and then the next minute be crying about how much she loves her cat.  She has a huge heart, ridiculous cheek bones, and is just really really cool.  Enjoy.  – Heather

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Hi. I’m Katy Jane. Who in the H-E-double hockey sticks am I you ask? Don’t start a riot. I know Heather is funnier, prettier, and can make a better goat impression than me, but calm your tits, I’m just filling in for a sec. I think there’s a bio of me on here, but if you want to know more, you can buy my autobiography on Amazon here. Since I am a librarian, I’ll probably throw in some book reviews once in a while for all you bibliophiles. I’m going to keep things simple for the first blog post by filling you in on my Saturday.

I wake up in the mornin’ feelin’ like P-Diddy, grab my glasses, I’m out the door, I’m gonna hit this city. Then I read half a book called That Time I Joined the Circus by J.J. Howard. I’ve been pretty obsessed with circus themed books lately. It’s because I relate so much to that lifestyle. When I was only 9 years old, I ran away to the circus where I worked my way up from a roustabout to a tightrope walker. My parents finally found me a few states over and after a tearful reunion, I decided to finish middle school. Anyway, back to today. It was time for lunch so putting on our hooded rain slickers, my husband, Dan, and I braved Hurricane Missouri and went for pizza. Nine pieces of pizza later, I’m back home. I don’t know how many pieces he had. I didn’t keep track. Stop interrupting.

I put music on my iPod for a couple of hours, watched some YouTube videos, and decided I really needed to utilize the afternoon by learning Cups by Anna Kendrick. The process included me throwing the cup across the room in frustration, yelling at Dan to stop videoing me while working, taking a break to poop, working so hard I started sweating, sticking my putrid pits in Dan’s face while exclaiming, “This is what hard work smells like.” and then eating a honeycrisp apple to fuel my body for more practice. Five grueling hours later, I could keep a beat, and sing-ish along to Cups.

Last summer we had this groundhog in our yard that we tried to kill but never did. He came back yesterday. Dan set up camp outside to try to kill him but he is crafty and got away.

photo(116)

Tonight I saw his head poking out from under the shed while I was practicing the Cup song on my kitchen counter. I eased the window up, ran to get a gun, and shot from out of the kitchen window. I killed him. Except I didn’t because Dan came around the corner yelling at me about the propane tank being too close for that angle and that I was going to blow up the house and he messed up my shot and Mr. Crafty got away again. After cussing under my breath I told Dan to shut up and let me take care of this. But by that time it was too dark, though.

Thursday night we got back from our anniversary trip (four years married, eight years together) and my daughter, Cindy, was really excited that we were home and so she sat on my head all night purring and licking my face. Cindy’s a cat. Just for clarification. It was then that I noticed she has fleas and this is disturbing because she’s an inside cat and how did fleas get in my house!!?? Friday, while standing in the kitchen trying to wait out the groundhog, Dan and I heard Cindy meowing but it was faint and we didn’t know where it was coming from. We looked all around the house; in closets (where she’s been trapped before), in the mouse traps (where she’s been trapped twice), and in the dryer (where she gets trapped every time I do laundry).

I finally realized that the sound was coming from under the house but since she’s an inside cat, no doors to the outside were open, and she isn’t a ghost cat who can walk through walls and floors, this statement is shocking. We have a jacuzzi tub that has a trap door under it to work on the pipes that Cindy likes to crawl in so this was a possible explanation. Daniel shone a flashlight under there and found a hole to the crawl space under the house. So she got fleas from under the house. After boarding up the hole, it was time to get rid of the fleas. Cindy is a model for Cat Magazine, so her appearance and cleanliness is most important. I put her in the bathtub and rubbed powdered Seven dust over her flawless kitty fur. She shook out her fur all over the bathroom rug after, but I had better things to worry about. Like practicing the Cup song.

So that pretty much sums up the day. Riveting. I know. Peace out, fellow Heather stalkers.

Katy Jane

 

photo(117)Katy Jane Miller is a teen librarian who splits her time between patrolling patron pornography and changing the lives of wayward teenagers. Her hobbies include reading and collecting books, making jewelry from dead animal parts, gardening & composting, and dancing like Beyonce. After stalking her husband for a year (and him thinking she was too weird to date), he finally surrendered to her voodoo power and married her. They live in the shire and have a summer home on the banks of the Great River of Narnia.
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