June 13, 2013 by Heather
I don’t know about you, but I have been in a total funk lately. I’m not sure what the deal is… but I’m guessing it’s a combination of the following: going off my crazy pills, the sudden and terrible heat wave, and just the general constant state of PMS I am in.
I am ache-y, moody, ungrateful, selfish, tired, sweaty, annoyed, surly (courtesy of Andrew), jittery, overwhelmed, underwhelmed, anxious, you name it. My brain is in overdrive and I’m not handling it well. It’s not pretty, and it’s stupid.
We have busy weekends for like the next month and a half, so I have that on my mind. Three of them are out of town trips for all good and fun things, but even the good and fun things have a tendency to cause me no small amount of anxiety. And I try really, really hard to not get anxiety about them… thus causing anxiety about my anxiety.
And then there is the front door I am wanting to paint, and my dark toenail polish that just screams November but it’s actually June, and ok there are 5 1/2 really overripe bananas in the fruit basket, I could probably make two loaves of banana bread out of that but dang it that’s an hour of running the oven and it’s just too hot for that so maybe I’ll put them in the freezer for later but frozen bananas are nasty and I’ve got to figure out Father’s Day stuff because there’s Andrew and Dan and Eric and Dad and did I remember to brush my teeth this morning? I wish the friggin squirrels would leave my sunflower plants alone. I should really write some Bible verses on post it notes and stick them all over the house to maybe ease my anxiety. Or maybe I should just memorize them but dangit I can’t even remember what day today is. I can, however, recite every word to Ice Ice Baby. I am a bad Christian. I should know more Bible verses and less rap songs. Maybe I will do yoga this afternoon because Jennifer Aniston does it everyday for two hours and she looks ridiculous. I need to stop comparing myself to others. Crap I have 15 minutes until Parker wakes up. I need to put on some makeup to hide this pimple city I am living in today.
Needless to say, I have not been the most spectacular wife or mother lately. My mood swings are on really high quality crack, and I’ve been so naggy and losing my temper at the drop of a hat. Literally, I dropped a hat in the laundry room last night and &%$#@*&^%$##@. Wups.
It’s just been one of those
years months weeks where I feel unsettled and therefore think, well, maybe I should be doing something more with my life. Maybe I should do this, maybe I should do that.
And then, like He always does, God very gently reminds me that I am right where I need to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing, at this exact moment.
I was catching up some blog reading last night and trying to force my brain to chill out, and I came across a guest post on Momastery written by Lisa Jo Baker, a blogger who I had not heard of.
It was like Someone was rubbing body butter on my heart you guys. I was crying so hard by the time I finished that I had to go back and read it a few more times because the words were so blurry.
I sat on the couch with my face in my hands and just cried. I felt at once so much better and also incredibly stupid for behaving the way I’d been behaving, like I’ve got it so bad and my life is amounting to nothing, because there is nothing further from the truth. Then I went and apologized to Andrew for being such a crazy person all the time. This is like a once a week thing, just so you understand. I am married to the World’s Most Patient Man Ever, praise Jesus.
Then I sat by Parker’s crib like I do every single night, and I cried some more (I really need to get control of myself) and smelled of his fluffy hair that was sticking through the slats of his crib. I stroked his baby face with the back of my hand, adjusted his blankets. He’s just. so. perfect. And I am insanely blessed, and I need to freaking remind myself of that every second of every single day.
So if you are also feeling kind of (or a lot of) funky right now, I’d encourage you to click on the link below. Girlfriend knows what’s up. And then get off the couch, put on some makeup and your big girl panties, and grab life by the balls. Sorry I said balls.