July 25, 2013 by Heather
Andrew got back last night from a work trip after being gone for about 4 days, so it’s just been me and the child since Sunday. I am not the type of wife to get incredibly sad and melancholy when my husband has to go away for a few days – in fact, I kind of like it. I think we both do. But I am always so very glad to have him back, and he is always so ready to come home. We like each other.
I was excited to do my Secret Single Behaviors while he was away, things like spending 30 minutes squeezing out blackheads after I shower, eating popcorn and peach crisp for dinner, not doing the dishes for a couple of days, watching a bunch of chick flicks in the evenings after Parker went to bed. And I did all of those things, very happily.
But this time it was also really stressful for some reason. Mad props to single parents, because my gosh, I was at my wit’s end by Tuesday morning. Parker is very much a toddler now, no more baby stuff – which means he is everywhere and into everything. And I mean everything. I can’t even use the bathroom without his little hand trying to wedge itself between the toilet seat and my (squishy) thigh to try to touch the pee water. He is half walking/half crawling, and the kid is FAST. He wants to play with things like the oven knobs, the toilet bowl brush, the dog food, mommy’s razor. He’s started doing this thing where he’ll take a drink of milk and then let it just spill out of his mouth and run down into his little neck folds where it gets sticky and sour and makes me want to barf.
That boy is sweet as sugar, even when he’s sour as milk.
I had two really rough mama days this week, and I’m not proud of them. Days where I was selfish and angry and had very little patience with the precious gift that God (for some strange reason) gave me. Pee on the floor twice, hot coffee spilled all over my legs and feet, temper tantrums (from both of us), thousands of vicious mosquitoes, a crazy barking dog, a very needy child and a mama with a very leave-me-the-heck-alone attitude… it all just added up to me on my knees crying in the living room floor telling God that I felt like a huge, selfish failure. Not pretty.
I have a very wise and understanding sister, and that afternoon she bore the brunt of my ugliness. I texted her and said I wished I was alone, that it was just me. No babies, no husband, no dog, no mosquitoes.
Instead of agreeing with me or justifying my ugly attitude, she gently told me that she understood, but that I was not failing. She told me that none of it was a burden unless I let myself look at it that way. She said that what I did was so important, and that if I was completely alone like I wanted – that I would just wish I had all of the things I have now. I’m telling you, girlfriend is wise. And also ballsy, because I was pretty mad, but she told me what I needed to hear instead of what I wanted to hear.
I went off my antidepressant about a month and a half ago, and I’d be lying if I said it’s been an easy transition. Sometimes I have a really, really difficult time dealing with the various anxieties that pop up during the day. I get overwhelmed easily by daily tasks and such. I’ve been doing a really sucky job submitting all of that to the Lord, and I’ve been trying to kind of just fix it all on my own. Obviously, that is working out wonderfully (sarcasm). These past few days really opened my eyes to just how ridiculous and anxiety-ridden I can be. I cannot shoulder it on my own, with my own strength. No amount of peach crisp, girly movies, or nap-time Pinterest can calm my heart and my thoughts. No amount of hair dye or new clothes or weight loss can fill whatever void I may have. It’s time for me to give it up, to let it go. Let go and let God. Pahaha, oh man that’s cheesy. That is so cheesy.
Because the fact is – I am not alone. It’s not just me, looking out for #1. It’s me, my husband, and our son. Oh and our silly pets. I am crazy blessed, beyond belief. Too blessed to be stressed. Man I am full of one-liners today, aren’t I?
Plan For Not Being So Cray Cray: Waking up early to exercise and spending some time in prayer. Focusing on doing one thing at a time. Looking out for the needs of others rather than putting myself first. Being grateful for what I have. Memorizing more scripture, maybe even putting post-its around the house to help. Playing with Parker, instead of watching him play. Kiss Andrew more often. Eat chocolate. Breathe.
“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7