April 12, 2014 by Heather
Remember last Fall when I went and paid $400 to have my turtle shell of a toenail removed? What a nightmare that was. Then I had to take these anti-fungal pills for three whole months, everyday. I also had to put this ointment stuff on it, which I forgot to do most nights. I’m telling you, sometimes I stop and think about how I’ve taken relatively good care of another human for almost two years and I’m just flabbergasted.
Once the scab finally dried up and went away I was left with this really weird looking nub of a toe. I wish I had thought to draw a face on it or something because it would’ve made a great bald man. Or woman, I guess.
The nail started growing back a few months ago and it is taking its sweet, sweet time. I don’t think it realizes that sandal season is upon us, which is why I decided to purchase a box of artificial toenails before our spring break trip to the beach. It seemed wasteful to buy a whole box when I only needed one, but vanity makes you do crazy things. Yes, they do make fake toenails, and they come pre-painted in a lovely French manicure style. You can get an entire set for $5. Actually, you get 2.4 sets, because there are 24 nails and typically you only have ten toes.
The front of the package says “More of the Popular Sizes.” I’m not exactly sure what that means. Is there a popular size for toenails? They offer two fat big toenails and two petite big toenails. I’m proud to say that I found the petite size to be the best fit for my toe.
So before we left for the beach I stuck one of those suckers on and said a prayer that it wouldn’t cause more fungus. The instructions said it would stay on for up to 7 days, so I made sure I kept the adhesive with me at all times. Nothing worse than your toenail coming off in public, am I right?
I felt like a dang foot model at the beach with my full set of nails.
Listen, that thing stayed on for TWO FULL WEEKS, which kind of had me worried that it had become part of my foot, but was also great because I looked like a foot model for TWO FULL WEEKS.
Until this past Thursday, when we had a fairly active day (meaning one that involved wearing real shoes) that included going out to lunch (cute, toe-squishing flats) and playing at the park (socks and tennis shoes and running around), both of which are not helpful when you have an artificial toenail on.
That evening I was watching Baby Einstein with Parker when I looked down and, much to my horror, saw this:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where the heck’s my nail??????? Crap. It must’ve come off in my socks.
Which led to me scouring the house for my long lost nail. It wasn’t in my sock, it wasn’t on the laundry room floor where I took my shoes off, it wasn’t anywhere. For the love of Pete, I can’t walk around in sandals like this.
I went to a local dinner theater production last night with my friend Jill, and it was too dang warm outside for me to wear closed toe shoes. My feet were yearning to breathe, so I painted my jagged half-nail and went on with life. It looked totally dumb, but whatever.
Non-Sweaty Feet > Foot Model Toenails
I had just about decided that I was going to have to use the only other petite big toenail in the box. I mean, Easter is next weekend and I can’t be scaring everyone with my janky toe sticking out of my wedges.
Then, just as I was typing this post (no joke), Andrew walked up to me and said, “Hey, do you want to keep this or should I throw it away?” And there it was, my trusty fake nail.