August 19, 2014 by Heather
I sat down to write because it usually makes me feel better to put how I’m feeling into some sort of word/sentence form. Like it somehow organizes it and makes it neater and less real. I’ve been staring at the wall for five minutes now, hands frozen over the letters, cat in my lap snoozing away.
I can always tell when an anxiety attack is rising up. I’ve described it to Andrew before as debilitating, because for me that’s what it is. I sit. I stare. I cannot breathe, move. I think, maybe if I busy myself with something I can snuff it out. That’s become the problem, though. The busy. The stuff. The to-do list. The commitments. The non-commitments that feel like commitments. Always something. Always too much. Never enough.
It’s suffocating. It’s debilitating.
I sit. I stare.
As melodramatic as it sounds – I feel powerless over my life lately. And I know that ultimately I am (God is in control), but at the same time there is generally a certain level of control or free will that we practice and maintain, day-to-day. In an effort to regain some sort of control over things, I’ve been throwing stuff away like crazy – just totally and completely purging everything. It feels so dang good. Andrew thinks I’ve lost it. I guess I never realized the weight of our belongings, literally and figuratively. It is soul cleansing to throw some of it off. Man, it feels good.
I am craving simplicity in a major way. If our schedules won’t allow it, I can at least simplify all of the crap clogging up every corner and crack of our home.
This is historically a very busy time of the year for us, for everyone I think. I keep reminding myself that it is just a season, that it will pass. I hate that survival mentality though, the “let’s just hunker down and get through it.” I’m not sure that’s the best way to get through life’s stressful parts, but sometimes it’s the only way I guess. For some reason the first
year few months of Parker’s life just popped into my mind. Now THAT was some hunkering. Pure survival mode at it’s finest.
I’m drinking water with lemon out of a mason jar with a red and white striped paper straw. I feel really cool and hip. I’d like to raise my jar and make a few toasts.
Here’s to walking through the stressful parts chin lifted, shoulders back, face smiling.
Here’s to letting go, to getting things done without being a control freak.
And here’s to anxiety attacks, you are invited to go suck it. I’ve got stuff to do.